3:15

A psychic once asked me what I was fighting against, and I could not really answer her with honesty, but I gave her some part-truth and she accepted it while blinking her eyes. I realized today (which is the past, which feels like early-fall) that I am trying to tear away from myself, from my limbs, which feel too fleshy for what is inside, which I know is more than tendons and blood -- blood, which should have a powerful plural as it can come out of my skin and eyes, and I see its blue-purple shine in my veins that are thinner than my own fingers, and perhaps yours (I do not know as you have not touched me). All of the things I have called hell are inside of me, wanting my attention. I may never have children but I am already a parent to those images and if I ignore them, they come to me while I am sleeping, like infants, and I give them space. I can be gentle to evil because I sometimes feel that all of human loneliness is radiation from god's abandonment of the angels.

I tried to read William Blake yesterday morning but he gives me too much space and the sexual texture of his work is like speaking to god when you cum, but without the physical expression I shook until I thought about him/her. I do not understand why drugs are necessary when there are organs close to your palms which have a natural direction towards un-reality, a communion to the outside of yourself where you can connect to the very ancient of our species, which is the same as writing your name on the water.

I am not feeling much because I am full of practicality, scared to know what I am and why Rabia cried. I want to cover my head and go to Japan and have books of my own work and the work of others on my arms and legs and coming through my eyes and sometimes my mouth (although only my truth should fill my lips when they thin with age) but I know the need for a straight mind so I wear simple diamonds and sapphires--part of the poetry of earth--instead of the spines of deer.



I need to rest again and pour water into my body and over my head until there is not another sound and I notice myself.